Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Learning in Limbo

For a few years now (since graduating high school) I've felt like I've been in some sort of limbo between my adolescence and adulthood. The only problem is, I wasn't quite sure how I'd get from one to the other. Recently, I've been able to grab onto some sort of mental rope and guide myself in the right direction. (Because of this analogy, I keep imagining myself as Sandra Bullock in Gravity)
So what have a learned up until now in this weird child to adult limbo?
  1. You are the biggest part of you. Lets start off with the biggest one. Its helped me to picture myself as a puzzle. I, Chris, am the picture, and everything that makes me who me are the different pieces. We shouldn't be letting these things be the final product, these things should be a part of the final product. 
  2. Everything is fine in moderation. I've had a fear for awhile now that I would become addicted to some sort of vice. I've feared alcohol, gambling, junk food, pretty much everything. But as I've grown older, I've realized that I'm aware of the possibility of getting addicted, and just being aware is a pretty huge fucking deal! I haven't kept it a secret either, all of my friends know of my fear. So what do I do? I enjoy myself. I'm young, and have incredibly limited responsibilities, I'm fine for now. I know my limits, and am continue to learn them. Like I said in #1, I shouldn't be letting these things become who I am. If I do have a vice, it should only be a small part of who I am as a whole. 
  3. Reserve all judgements. This is something I should've learned when I was much younger, but am lucky enough to be learning now. Once we allow ourselves to look at people equally, no matter how odd we believe them to be at first, we open ourselves up to so much more knowledge and growth, and isn't that what life is all about? 
  4. Don't let moments be longer then they need to be. Something about myself that I continue to work on is not letting my anger get the best of me. I tend to make spats into larger arguments since I don't keep myself from letting go which leads to larger, unnecessary problems. 
  5. You teach people how to treat you. This is such an elementary school lesson, but somehow still so relevant to my life. People tend to call themselves 'stupid' or 'dumb' but fail to realize that when they call themselves that, it makes it look like its okay for others to do the same. But also, if someone calls us something terrible and we don't do anything to stop it, we're teaching that person that its alright to do that. We may not be doing it consciously, but we're still doing it. Its something we have to try to be more aware of. 
  6. Every single person is trying to be recognized. We want to be supported in the belief that we matter. One way we can help our friends and family feel like they matter is by listening, and trying to understand what they need. Once we do this for someone, they feel recognized. 
Perhaps something I said here was wrong, and I'll disagree with myself in a year? Thats alright! Right now, I'm the best me I can be! And in a minute, I'm going to be an even better me! 

So am I a full blown adult now? Hell fucking no, and I'm not quite sure when I will be. But I'm on my way, and I'm proud of that. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Self image Is A Weird Thing

Self image is a weird thing because I know I'm here, I know I have a few friends, I know I have a loving family.
I have a lot trouble when people ask me to describe myself. I like that I can ask people to describe me and they can be honest and call me everything from funny to confident to an asshole. But who am I to me? Without basing the idea of myself off things other people have said, how do I know who I am?
Without being told by other people, how do I understand my value?
Am I funny? Is that my purpose? To provide entertainment to those who need it?
Am I creative? Can I present ideas and have people think in new ways?
(These are just two examples of the plethora of things I question myself on)
Thats my current struggle. I'm trying to understand myself without depending on others, but is that even possible? Would I be able to know that I'm funny without hearing laughter? Would I be able to know I'm creative without seeing interest in peoples faces?
And if thats the case, what am I doing with my life? Why am I not off doing great things?
Maybe I do understand my value, because where I'm currently at, I think I deserve a lot more. I want to provide more people with laughter and more people with wonderment.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Cis Man On A Pedestal

We can all agree that everyone deserves happiness. From ourselves to the cashier at your local supermarket, to the old man living down the street. Hell, even people on death row have a chance to have one final meal of their choosing. With this being an undisputed fact, why have we cornered off certain sections of our society? More specifically, the trans community. If we can agree that everyone deserves "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" why have we allowed ourselves to shut these people out for so long? 
Its hard to sit here as a cis man (Fairly easy compared to what these people put up with) and attempt to do them all justice. I've got a hell of a lot of privilege compared to other people in the world, so who am I to attempt to stand up for them? I know what I say will probably not be read by the world, and change everyones minds, but as long as I can help at least one person understand, I feel like I've done my part. 
80% of trans students feel unsafe at school due to their gender expression. 59% of students have reported verbal harassment in the past year. Thats a huge chunk of these children's lives in which they experience a living hell. Going through school was hard enough as just a regular kid, getting picked on for the stupidest insignificant things. Now imagine going to school and being picked on for who you are, something that rests at the core of your being. 
55% of trans women are denied work due to their sexual identity. From those who do get work, 29% are often refused promotions. For many of these women, having a normal 9 to 5 job is more of a dream than a reality. Many of these women are forced into sex work. This can lead to catching HIV, or AIDS, and leads to a hire risks of being put in dangerous situations. In 2012, a Cuban trans-woman named Rosita Hidalgo working as an escort in Miami was found gagged, stabbed, and slashed in her own apartment. 
I'm definitely not trying to make it seem like all trans women become sex workers, that have their lives ended too soon. There are numerous trans women out there who live beautiful, full lives. But unfortunately not everyone gets the chances that they got. These people need our attention. We can't just turn our cheek and pretend these people aren't being for being who they are!
We don't need to donate money to any charity or go and write letters to your senator (although both of those things would be amazing things to do). What we need to do is become mindful. We need to talk to our family/friends (you don't even have to force the conversation, just when it comes up) and say that that these people are no different than you and I, share these statistics, and tell them we all deserve a chance at a happy life. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Why Do We Love?

(I'm not that great of a writer, and I'm still trying to find some sort of "voice" so to anyone actually reading my posts, stick with me because it'll get better eventually. If you've got any criticism please throw it my way, it'll be greatly appreciated.)

I decided to watch Annie Hall for the billionth time tonight. Romantic comedies have definitely been a topic of interest for me lately, and I think its because I grew up in an age where a majority romantic comedies starred JLo and Matthew McConaughey. I've been conditioned to have low expectations for romcoms, so finding all of these classics like Annie Hall and Breakfast at Tiffany's is like having cake when all I've ever eaten is used napkins.

I'd love to be able to say that watching all of these movies has made me a love and relationship expert, but really I'm even more clueless than before. We put ourselves through hell, and for what? It was best said at the end of Annie Hall, “A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”

I'd like to point out that the comparison works well for both romantic and nonromantic relationships. We go through heaven and hell to make ourselves, our partners, our families and friends the happiest they can be. Sometimes we act selfishly and fuck up. As much as it sucks, we're human and it happens... a lot. But sometimes, whether its accidentally or on purpose, we do something right. Any heartache or failure we've ever experienced seems to disappear because the person thats loved and supported us through it all, seems just as happy as they've made you. 

Everything I'm saying is a total theory. I could totally be looking at this the wrong way. Maybe love is just a way to make ourselves feel like we're worth something. Maybe we don't actually need love. Maybe its just some sort of airborne sickness created by the government to cover up a scandal. Who the hell knows? 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


     Its 4 o'clock in the morning, and I'm wide awake. I thought falling asleep early would be really smart of me, partly because its what you're supposed to do, and partly because I was just done being conscious for the day.
     Yesterday felt very funky. Not good disco movie funky either, I mean nasty in a funk funky. There wasn't really any main reason, I just took a reason to be upset and went with it. I know that isn't healthy, but once you start you can't really tell yourself to stop.
I thought this accurately described how I felt/feel

     But the good part about being in a funk is that'll stink up the place enough for things to come out of hiding. For example, I was finally able to tell my friends I wasn't really comfortable hanging around them when theres alcohol involved. Its nothing against them, I'd just rather not deal with the temptation. And they understood, which made me feel fantastic! I'm both proud of who I surround myself with most of the time, and the people that they've become. They're some of the strongest, kindest people I've ever know, and I'm so lucky to have them in my life.
     I also got a tad bit angry with my whole not having a room in my own home situation. Some back story first, my sister moved out a few years ago, I got my own room, then i moved away, my sister took my room, I moved back, I'm getting my own room and my sister is getting the garage, we're still trying to convert the garage so I'm stuck on the floor of my siblings room. This isn't an attack on any of my family members, and I'm sorry to them that I lost my cool. Its hard to keep your cool is hard to do when you're sleeping on the floor, with your belongings spread around the house. But the room should be done soon, and I should focus on that.
    Yesterday wasn't a terrible day, though. As I was sitting in the living room, surrounded by my belongings, I got an Instagram notification. My favorite band, Bleachers, reposted my video of me lip synching their song. They said it was "hilarious." It feels really fucking good, especially on a bad day, and especially looking back on it, to be called something you strive to be by your fucking idol. Fuck. I'm still in disbelief.

     Also, my mom made spaghetti, which is always great.
     Also, the first episode of Steven Bomb 3 premiered. Steven Universe is probably my favorite show on television right now, and for reasons that will be discussed at a later date. But the fact that a new episode aired and I was able to live text it with my best friend made my day gain a star.

If I had to recommend any show to watch right now, it'd be this

     Looking back on the day, it really wasn't that bad. METAPHOR: If my day were a picture, it'd be a pretty naturally bright picture. But for some reason theres a dark filter over it. Its not how I want it to look, but thats kinda just the way it is.
     Heres to a funky tomorrow. Not the nasty funky, the good disco movie funky.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Jobs or Lack There of

I graduated from high school about two and a half years ago. I've been looking on and off for a job ever since. Let me first say that, yeah, I could be trying a little harder to find a job. I could be running around town in a suit handing my resume out to every business I drive by. But that seems a little drastic. I'm not Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness.
Okay never mind, maybe I am?
So here I am, going on Craigslist and Indeed everyday hoping to find a job that'll fit me. I've been close to getting something a couple times. I was hired by the HRC (they hire anyone) but I really would not be able to spend 8 hours in the sun 6 days a week. Again, I'm not as desperate as Will Smith. I almost got a job at a local museum, but the owner ended up being very old, and forgot I had an interview (or that I even existed). And then, of course, theres the offerings for "FOOT GODDESSES" on Craigslist. While I think I have great feet, I'm not much of a Goddess. When I find an opening for "FOOT GOD" or "FOOT EMPEROR" then, obviously, I'm going to apply.
This years youth unemployment rate is lower than its been, which is fucking awesome. I think, as teens, having a job is one of the best things we could do. Not only does it teach us work ethic, but it leads to some awesome stories. I don't want to be sitting with my grandkids and say "One day while I was sitting at home, watching tv..." thats so god damn boring! I want my grandkids to be excited when I sit them down and start a story with "when I was bagging groceries" or "when I was a foot god."

I've got a graph, that means everything I say is true.
So with the youth unemployment rate as low as it is, why am I sitting here writing this? I mean, my resume isn't too bad. I know how to write a cover letter. I can tie a tie if you give me a couple minutes. (A bow tie is a different story. I got in a fight with my dad before my senior homecoming because we couldn't figure out how to do it for an hour.) Maybe I've got a typo on my resume that I haven't noticed? Or I've constantly got a piece of spinach in my teeth?

Please check out my open tabs...

Friday, July 10, 2015

Welcome to whatever the hell this is!
I'll be posting about... who the hell knows! Movies/tv shows/music that I find interesting? My life? The world? I've got a blank canvas that I get to shit all over, so lets get to it!
First thing we're going to talk about, my blog. Who the fuck is this guy and why does he think people care about his opinions? Am I right?! There are literally millions of people sticking their butts up to their laptops and phones, farting out opinions, and this guy thinks his matter? You gotta be kidding me!
Also, what the fuck is that title? I guarantee you that he's going to change it 5 times by the time you're reading this. Tragic.
And lets not forget, why is he talking in third person? Does he think his opinions of himself are any less stupid if he does this? Let me be the first to say, he's wrong.

Wow, what a great first opinion piece! For more pieces like that, come back here. Or go to any other fucking place. Really, you can get this anywhere, I don't even know why you read this far, but congratulations. Go drink some water, or go jogging or something.